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Well, we're really out-doing ourselves with the "crappy" theme this year, by inflicting you with this tragically bad holiday movie. When you gaze on the blown-out and fuzzy picture, and strain to hear the horrific, and oftentimes inaudible, audio, you might mistake this for someone's home movie. But oh no. This thing actually played in theaters. For CHILDREN!
So what's it all about?
Santa has managed to crash his sleigh on a Florida beach. It's stuck in maybe 2 inches of sand (yes, folks - that's TWO WHOLE INCHES). It would appear Santa is more than a little drunk. "Donner, Blitzen and all the rest" (yeah, they didn't even bother to figure out all of the reindeers' names) have wisely fled the scene. Santa moans. Santa sings. Santa stares directly at the sun for around 30 seconds. Santa passes out. Oh, and he summons the local "Kids" (as they're billed in the credits) to come and help, who bring along a lot of livestock (from where?) and a guy in a gorilla suit? Yep.
Well, after a really long time (and it will feel like weeks while you're watching this), nothing will dislodge the sleigh from the TWO WHOLE INCHES of sand, so Santa calls on the Ice Cream Bunny. It's gonna take awhile for him to get there, so Santa tells the story of "Thumbelina" - which is a movie within the movie. Actually, it's a movie within a movie within the larger movie framework. That will make sense when you see this. After this overly-long flower child version of the fairy tale with animals and amphibians showing an unnatural interest in a two-inch young lady, we go back to the beach. And the Ice Cream Bunny (someone in a matted, dirty, and likely disease-filled rabbit suit from your worst childhood fever nightmares), slowly makes his way to where Santa is in an old fire engine, accompanied by a slow, mournful, death-toll sounding siren. And how will it all end? Well, as the poster proclaims, with "The Exciting Rescue!" Ahem. Yeah. It's as exciting as it is "breath-taking."
Oh - of course, that synopsis doesn't include any of the ugly details about the sweat stains on Santa's ass. Or the random raccoon attack on Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn in their brief and meaningless cameo. Or all other manner of head-scratching moments peppered throughout this "movie."
"This was not a movie meant to spread the joy of Christmas, but rather a torture device meant to scare impressionable young children away from ever wanting to have anything to do with the holiday. ...after seeing this movie, all those kids ended up wanting for Christmas was some serious psychotherapy." - The Agony Booth
"One of the most primitive and virtually incoherent films ever made for kids." - kiddiematinee.com
"This movie really sucked." - Invasion of the B Movies